LEAH: raves
We’re walking towards the rave. It took us ages to get here, switching three times to finally reach the far end of East London. A swarm of people walking in front of us are probably going to the same place, considering we are at a literal cul-de-sac. I have no idea where we are or how to get home again. I once again blindly trusted my friends, who encouraged me to get my ass out of bed and start acting like a 23-year-old. So here I am passing the cable cars at the Royal Docks and walking through a dark tunnel under the expressway, before taking a left and catching a glimpse of a large crowd of people. Oh god what did I get myself into? My throat tightens, and swallowing becomes hard. I rub my fingers against my palms and feel sweat forming on them, despite the freezing cold.
‘Oh my god guys, I think we have arrived’, Rita says.
‘Jeez that is a fucking long queue’, Elle responds.
‘Yeah I reckon it’ll take us about an hour to get in and I can’t even feel my alcohol anymore.’
The idea of going into a huge crowd with most people being on some kind of drugs, loud music thumping in my ears and being pushed by others dancing around me, seems like my worst nightmare. I wish the effects of any of the 5 cans of Margaritas we shot down on our way here would have lasted, but the sight of the queue and the reality shock seem to have sobered me up.
The queue moves slowly but steadily and after what feels like half an eternity, we reach the end of the line. They check our ID’s and our bags, scan our tickets and give us a stamp with the inscription Silver Building. I let out a deep sigh. Okay, here we go, I can do this, I can do this, it’s okay.
I muster all of my excitement and say: ‘Guys we are finally in!’
‘Yes! Let’s drop off our coats and explore!’, Elle follows up.
‘Wait actually I have a surprise for you guys,’ Rita says, ‘ I secured us some goods. I felt like this was a great place to try some K if you guys are down’
‘Oh wait, yes I am so down, I think it’ll help me get out of my head’, I respond.
‘Yes, I’m in too, it has been too long since I have had some proper fun’
‘Okay, let's do this! Guys I am so excited!’
We head to the wardrobe to drop off our coats. Instantly the cold air and the sizzle of rain hits my skin, making me shiver.
Trying not to chatter my teeth, I say: ‘Okay, fast, it’s so cold and I need a wee.’
‘Oh yeah me too, let’s find the toilets’
‘Do you want to take the K there?’, Rita asks us.
‘Is it safe? Isn’t that super unhygienic?’
‘It’s the place we all do it, I think it’ll be fine, I’ll hand you my keys don’t worry’
‘Okay, okay, let’s do it, ahh I am so excited!’
We head over to the bathroom right at the entrance of the building. It’s one of those fancy moveable ones in a truck, the ones that you usually find at fairs. To our surprise the queue isn’t that long and we manage to get into the little graffiti decorated cubicle in a matter of minutes. We share a cubicle with the three of us like in the good old days, but gossiping about boys has turned into taking drugs.
Rita starts going through her bag, and swiftly pulls out a little plastic bag filled with a small amount of white powder. After handing me the bag, Rita slips her hand into the back pocket of her trousers to find her keys. We go around, holding the key to our nose and breathing in deeply, the powder slightly itching while its particles make their way into our systems.
‘We should feel it in about 15 minutes, just in time for Twigs’ performance.’, Rita says
‘Perfect, let’s go find the performance room,’ I answer.
Rita unlatches the door lock and we make our way back out, heading into the main building, through massive glass doors and big crowds of people. My stress slowly dilutes as I start opening myself up to the lightness that the drug is about to pour over me. We take a right turn, through another set of doors and the music suddenly pierces through my ears, a low, loud bass, drumming and drumming. The room seems to be in utter chaos, smelling like a mix of cheap beer, sweat and the stuffy stench of the fog machines they use for ambiance. Judging by the intense stench, it seems like someone went a bit ham on them. The room is dark, lit by only a few dark purple, fluorescent lights and two spotlights, directed towards the middle of the room, no doubt where the concert will take place.
‘Seems like we have found the performance room.’
‘I want to be able to see her, should we try and push more to the front?’
‘Sure I’ll follow your lead.’
Rita stretches her hand out to the back, I hold onto it and reach for Elle with my free hand, a classic move to not lose each other the second we enter the crowd. People around us are dancing, kissing, laughing, pushing into us as we try to make our way to the front of the stage. I look around me, examining the crowd, trying to hide the fact that I feel very insecure and inadequate in this space. I wish I could just let it go but it feels impossible at times. The more I hold onto them, the more I believe they might be telling me the truth and actually shield my feelings. In an attempt to push the thoughts away, I close my eyes and start swaying to the music. I try to focus on the beat drumming into my ears and sync my body’s movements to the underlying rhythm. That’s when a sense of lightness pours over me, I stretch out my arms out above me, moving them fluidly and my body seems to float. My body weight seems to be non-existent and I keep my eyes closed, hoping to hold on to this feeling for longer. The corners of my mouth curl to the side forming a small smile, I am filled with happiness and lightness, feelings that I seem to have forgotten a long time ago. I can feel my heart beating faster and warmth makes its way through my body. A sense of ease settles over me, filling me with confidence and security. Right now, anything seems. I open my eyes, reach for my friends and hold onto them as we dance together. I am gliding into a dream, wishing for this moment to last forever.
That’s when I catch a glimpse of her for the first time. Soft brown eyes filled with life and joy, long curly hair, in a tint of roasted hazelnut with a small fringe adorning her face, a silver eyebrow piercing, a dainty nose and a beautiful infectious smile. She is looking at me. We lock eyes. I can feel my face blushing and can’t hide the fact that I am deeply attracted to her: her beauty, her aura, her energy, just everything about her. I look at her a little longer, trying to take it all in. Then the lights turn off and I lose sight of her.
The fog machine goes off again. The person in charge seems to be having a blast with it tonight. Then the spotlights attract our attention towards the stage and in front of us stands Fka Twigs. Damn this woman is hot. Her aura has captivates me before she even starts singing.
‘Wonder how you feel.
Wonder how you feel.
Words cannot describe, baby
This feeling deep inside
(…)’
…
‘Should we head outside for some fresh air, I feel a little too hot?’
‘Yes, I would love another cigarette, would you roll one for me pretty please?’
‘Yes, of course, I feel like I could use one too’
We leave the big performance room, push through the crowds, back to the big glass doors. A swoosh of cold air hits my body. I take a deep breath, attempting to ground myself from the haziness I felt during Twigs’s performance. We find a quiet spot off to the side, and Rita starts rolling some cigarettes for us.
‘I think there are more rooms that we can explore if you guys are down.’
‘Yes, I’d love to see more’
‘Yeah this place seems huge… we need to explore more. But guys, I need to tell you guys something.’
Rita hands one of the cigarettes to me, followed by her small I love London lighter. I put the cigarette between my lips, put it on before taking a drag and tell them about the girl I saw on the inside, since I haven’t been able to forget about her. Thinking about her fills my body with a sense of excitement and tingling that I can only interpret as unholy attraction. My friend’s faces are beaming, as they can’t hide their excitement at what I have just told them.
Elle immediately screams, ‘We need to find her.’
Rita swiftly agrees, ‘Yes, maybe she is still here. I need to see this mysterious girl you are telling me about.’ She winks at me, knowing how special this moment is.
And, so we agree to go explore the boiler rooms, around the corner in the smaller building off to the right of the one we were just in. The ceiling is much lower in this building, the lights are harsher and pink and a couple of distorting mirrors are planted in a random corner. People are giggling and taking pictures together. The pink room leads into a smaller, darker room from which the loud music originates. We decide to go inside to see what’s happening, the crowd still going strong on the dancing, seemingly driven by an endless energy supply. I look around me aimlessly, when I suddenly catch a glimpse of her. Her long hair is swooshing along with the beat, her hips move from left to right in tact with the music and her arms move wildly above her head. God she is so beautiful. My friends notice my eyes getting stuck on her and quickly come to the conclusion that we have found the girl I have been pining for.
‘DAMN THAT WASN’T THAT HARD, MAYBE IT WAS MEANT TO BE’, Elle screams into my ear.
My heart skips a beat at the idea of actually approaching her. Often, I chose to wallow in my feelings of attraction, observe and dream about it, rather than actually engaging with it. Security turns into vulnerability. That’s when she turns and faces me, it seems like she recognises me, as her face lights up. There it is, that mesmerising smile. I feel a little nudge on my back, an encouraging sign of my friends to go up to her. As if I am losing control over my body, I take a few steps towards her. It seems she is following my lead and we meet in the middle. It makes me nervous to be so up close to her. I have never shared this kind of nearness with another woman. I had longed for it, but I never overcame my own insecurities and overthinking. Now, I am looking into her dark brown eyes, my hands on her shoulders, while hers rest on my hips. She seems to be more confident in what she is doing as she softly pulls me towards her. A little smirk on her face before she slightly tilts her head to the right and leans in. My eyes close, I lean in and our lips touch. An electric shock jolts through me. Excitement, fear, happiness, attraction, all at once; I don’t know how to act. Her hand moves up my lower back, while I move mine towards her face. I lay my fingers on her neck, my thumb slowly stroking it, while our lips move in harmony. It feels so good. The longer I kiss her, the more the shame interlaced with my attraction to women seems to leave my consciousness. I never want to let go of her. Her lips are soft on mine, her touch sends little goosebumps all across my body and I can’t shake off the feeling that this moment is just right. I forget everything that goes on around me. I forget that others can perceive us and I can’t hear the music anymore although it’s been piercing through my eardrums for a while now. I lose sense of time. We stop for a brief moment to lock eyes and smile. We lean back in, both of us can’t seem to have enough of it. Her hand finds its way under my top, slowly moving up to my breast until she grabs it softly. It feels good, too good. She lets go of her grip and lays her hand on the bare skin of my back. It makes me want more of her, almost melt into her. Is this how it was meant to feel all along? Freeing? All-consuming? We make out a little bit longer, until she pulls away from me.
‘I want you to go home with me,’ she says.
I am suddenly overtaken by a wave of overthinking and panic, so I stay quiet for a moment too long.
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to,’ she immediately follows up with.
Finally, I find my voice again, ‘No, I want to. I do. I just never do this.’
‘Me neither but something tells me this is different.’
I am surprised by her honesty, by her keen, open interest in me and exploring this moment, this connection even further. This is what I have been craving, what I have been fearful of and what I thought would never happen to me. And I feel the urge to follow along and go home with her. ‘Okay, I want to come home with you,’ I say, ‘just let me tell my friends, I don’t want to just leave them.’
‘Okay, yes’, she says with a smile on her face. I grab her hand and bring her over to my friends. Judging by the smirks on their faces, they have been witnesses to all of what just happened. They invite us back into their circle with open arms. The four of us dance for a little while, before Rita announces that she needs to start heading home as she has to be on set early the next day. Elle says she will follow along, so they can take the bus together. They look at me with curious eyes, so I tell them that I am planning on going home with her. They smirk. Instead of being scared, I feel excited, almost as though I have entered an ecstatic flow state buzzling with a sense of freedom and hunger for life.
